Monday, July 09, 2012

Life is a box full of china.

My life resembles this box of china.

I spent way too long this past weekend trying to put everything that came out of this box back in. But no matter how hard I tried, or how many times I unpacked/repacked, the dang serving platter and serving bowl just wouldn't fit in (and don't even talk about trying to fit in all the dividers and cardboard).

As I looked at the those two big pieces sitting outside of the box, I realized that they perfectly describe my life at the moment. The two biggest things I want in my life--marriage and children-are not fitting in my "box." As I struggle with figuring out how to put them in my "box," I've been acutely aware of what I don't have as I've watch people around me easily fit these things into their "box."

While I've tried to be happy for those who are getting these things, I really just want to scream "This isn't fair. I've been waiting for these things longer. It should be my time." Instead, I've spent a good portion of the last month shedding more tears than I have in a really long time, pouring my heart out, questioning why, and feeling like my pleas and prayers have fallen on deaf ears.

Oh, and if I wasn't already having a bad month anyway, I had to go and turn 30. And just so you know, 30 is one of those milestone birthday were you're forced to do a lot of evaluating of your life and wonder what dreams you may need to give up on and what dreams to still find for.  It also makes you realize some things you wish you didn't: that you've lived almost as many years on your own (12) as you have with a family (18), that you'll be at least 60 where the numbers of years spent with a husband equals the number of years spent alone, and that my next "big" birthday is 40. Aren't all those thoughts depressing?

I wasn't able to get everything back into the box exactly how it came, but I was able to get it all in. Doing so gave me a small hope that I'd be able to get everything into my "box," even if it's now how I envisioned everything to go.


Megan said...

I always have to remember the Heavenly Father knows more than I. It takes a lot of faith to have a righteous desire, and see it go unfulfilled, and still keep going.

I have been in your shoes, not exactly the same situation, but close. I cried when I left our new ward yesterday because the only couple without children was us and it hurt a little bit to think that I was alone in that way.

It's hard. I have to remind myself all the time about the blessings I do have. Sometimes it doesn't help, and sometimes it does. I won't give you advice (because I hate advice: "oh, you could always adopt" "my sister did blah blah blah and got pregnant" etc etc), and I can't tell you why some blessings are withheld, but I'm so grateful for the gospel.

Rachel Eddington said...

Sorry Amy. I get it.